Zombie Contributor Contest Contestant Chef: The Nutritional Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

Here is the first contestant vying for the coveted Contributor Position here at Don’t Get Bit. A fantastic look at The Nutritional Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse by Chef. To vote simply hit the like button at the bottom of the post!

I come in peace (for the most part), and would just like to say… I hate zombies. Yes, that’s right, I said it. Now, don’t get offended, all you brain munchers out there. For whatever reason, you decided to read this post, and you really only have yourself to blame for that. It’s only fair that I write it out loud, here and now, so you know from the get-go that we are not friends. Besides, the fact that one of your “buddies” suggested you check out this blog and you actually fell for it proves that you really are a lower lifeform, and I would really recommend reconsidering your choice of “friends.” *sigh* zombies these days… Well, I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson, and it just goes to show that a little honesty and a big concrete building with reinforced entrances and double barrelled, loaded shotguns can go a long way.  ^.^So get lost, you bacteria and parasite infested flesh barrels. This stuff isn’t for you.

Now that THAT’s out of the way, we can continue on to a more interesting discussion! Today’s topic: The Nutritional Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. What you need to know to avoid starvation and a fate worse than… well, at least just as bad as, death.

There are four major, big time important things you need to be aware of during the Z-Poc:

#1. Don’t get bit – if you do, you’ll die

#2. Don’t run out of water – if you do, you’ll die

#3. Don’t run out of food – if you do, you’ll suffer a torturous and miserable 2 – 3 weeks of starvation, and then you’ll die. That is, if you don’t get munched by zombies first. Om nom nom.

#4. Don’t… um… well, to be honest, I don’t actually have a fourth. Mostly I added it because I like even numbers.

Today we will be focusing on #3: Don’t run out of food. There are a great many precautions you can take to avoid ever having to deal with this situation in a safe house scenario, but what about if you are out in… the fallout zone? O.o What about all those nomadic survivors we see in the zombie flicks and other stories? How did they manage to get along with just an old canvas-covered canteen and the occasional ribby, wild, previously domesticated animal, or crusty can of mystery meat? Well, the truth is, they couldn’t, and wouldn’t, be able to survive like that. I know, I know – it may come as a shock that you need more than just pure protein for your body to run on (just give me a sec to explain, all you meatatarians out there…), but despite that, I guess it is a pretty good place to start our discussion. In addition to the other nutritional needs your body has, protein is the main fuel our body uses to build and maintain muscle mass. If you don’t get enough protein and calories, and continue building your strength, your body starts eating up your muscles. Kinda like your body is becoming its own personal zombie…. ew…

So what are some good ways to get protein during the Z-Poc? How about starting with Tactical Bacon. High in calories, protein rich, and, the best part is, it has a 10 year shelf life and still tastes absolutely amazing. If you want to try some of it for yourself, or learn more, you can check it out here:

Tactical Bacon at ThinkGeek.com

I’ll go into more detail about Tac Bac at a later time, but for now, just know that this is my go-to for backpacking/picnic/emergencies. Yeah, that was an inside joke.

In addition, you can try other canned meats, like SPAM, canned (real) ham, turkey, tuna, other fish, chicken; beans in combination with rice; or soy beans, and quinoa. Yes, soy beans and quinoa as well. One of the world’s only grains that contain complete proteins, both soy beans and quinoa have everything your body needs to support its base biological functions. How’s that for a winner? :D Er, that is, in case you’ve run out of all other meat options first, of course. Heh.

Moving right along, we’ve got some other nutritional needs to think about as well, such as fruits and vegetables. I highly doubt you’ll be finding any fresh produce any time soon, so how about considering dried fruits, like apricots, bananas, and apples over their canned counterparts? For vegetables, there are always dehydrated or baked vegetable sticks, chips, and snack mixes that will be available during the early stages of apocalyptic meltdown, and you’ll be glad you grabbed them in addition to the crap-load of creamed corn that’s now sitting in the back of your sheet metal reinforced, steel plow-faced school bus.

Just remember, ounce for ounce, the more closely your food resembles its original appearace, both in shape and color, the better it is for you. So try to stay away from breakfast cereals, ok kids? That stuff is just plain nasty, apocalypse or not, and I don’t care how addicted you once were to CoCo Puffs, it’s time for a change. And trust me, your body will thank you for it. Now, if you have to eat food from a can (which I guarantee we all will), ALWAYS drink the liquid it comes in, if any. PS: This does not apply to oils. I think I can add a “duh” here. Why drink the liquid, you ask? Well, first of all, because Chef told you so, and you DO NOT QUESTION CHEF! And secondly, because many of the vitamins and minerals that were initially in your food have most likely leeched out into the liquid, and it’s important that you get the highest concentration of those vitamins and minerals possible. I don’t even want to start on what happens if you get scurvy because of a deficiency…. ughughughbleeecccchhh…

Up next: grains. This includes stuff like rice, wheat, buckwheat, barley, oats (oatmeal), and lentils. Whole grain pasta even counts. Grains are a heavy fuel, which means they will sit with you for longer than sugary foods like fruit or Twinkies (sorry Tallahassee), or fatty foods like chips and, um… lard. You can get alot of these grains in canned and dry form – perfect for transportation and storage needs. I guarantee this will be in short supply once the apocalypse draws on, so stock up when you can, with as much as you can.

Lastly, dairy – a hefty source of calcium, protein, and a wide array of vitamins. And about this topic, I would just like to say…. good luck, everybody. Clearly, the most difficult category to store is going to be dairy. You can get a few things that resemble dairy once you’ve already passed the expiration date on all the more popular selections like milk, cheese, butter, and yogurt; things like dried cheeses (parmesan), fake cheeses – I mean – ”processed cheese food,” those darling little pudding packs that last a freakishly long time, and dry milk – a great way to add flavor and calcium to lots of foods. I’m gonna go ahead and throw chocolate into this catagory as well, since it *does* technically contain dairy. And I’m desperate to say, “Don’t worry – this will all be much easier than it sounds!” So just go with it.

Once it’s all said and done, you really have quite a bit to consider when it comes to your selection of post apocalyptic table fare. As hard as we may try though, I highly doubt we’ll comprehensively receive all the nutrients our bodies need to function at their absolute peak If you want my advice though, I’d say don’t sweat it; we don’t even get all those things in the here and now and we’re still doing pretty darn good. I mean honestly, who DOESN’T live on Mountain Dew and leftover pizza every weekend of the year?! Heh, heh, heh!… ehh…. uh, I mean, nobody does that, I mean seriously, yuck…. *cough*

Weeeeeell, anyhoo, I’ve taken the time to create a diagram of all the new basic food groups, listed by priority, as they were in our original food pyramid, so you have a visual of what the new Z-Poc Food Pyramid would look like. Oh, and feel free to retain it as a guide for your personal use, as it is an invaluable way to help keep you and your team focused on maintaining good health during the most trying time of your lives:

So remember, do your best to stay healthy, and be smart about your food collection and storage. It does you no good to have a storeful of food and then become a tasty brain smoothie yourself. If you have any questions, be sure to post them in the comments below, and I’ll do my best to answer them. Please keep questions focused on this discussion, as we here at  Don’t Get Bit prefer the practice of leaving trolls free-range, instead of trough-fed. Thanks for reading, and until next time, may your guns always be loaded and your enemies be brainless,
The Chef

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3 comments on “Zombie Contributor Contest Contestant Chef: The Nutritional Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

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